18 March 2002
NB. Music playing throughout is "One" by U2.
A kitchen - very new, set in a loft, with lots of Alessi and other modern equipment in it. From the light coming through the skylight, we judge it to be early morning.
Pan l-r and moving up: we see every surface has some item of CAKE-based foodstuff on it (ie. Chocolate gateaux, Trifle, Fruit Cake [NB. Not wedding], Pavlova, Fairy cakes etc.) At the end of the breakfast counter sits a young woman with her head in her hands.
NB. Young woman is 25-30, glossy brunette hair and (when we see her face) extremely pretty in a fresh-faced manner. Slim and pert, dressed in stylish, smart-casual close-fitting clothes. She has not overindulged in CAKE.
Young woman [O/S]
I'm never prepared for it when it comes. Those mornings when the kitchen smells like a bakery.
She looks up and scans the kitchen.
Young woman [O/S]
When there aren't any clean mixing bowls. And I know that there are olives and capers, and even anchovies in here but - but all that I can see is icing.
CUT TO: The rear-seats of a car (large). Four punk kids sit there (one sitting on the anothers lap).
NB. Punk kids are 15-18, dyed black/multicoloured braided/dreadlocked hair, multiple piercing and tattoos. Wearing Marilyn Manson/Slipknot/Cradle of Filth T-shirts, bondage trousers, ripped neon fishnets etc. Look as though they have returned from a concert after getting into a fight.
Three of the punk kids are holding CAKE.
Punk kid 1 holding CAKE
This blows, man.
Punk kid 2 holding CAKE
Fuckin' A. What the fuck are we meant to do now?
Punk kid 3 has Punk kid 4 on his lap, who is holding CAKE
There's always too fuckin' much. Shit.
CUT TO: Interior of a smart City office, with an elderly businessman sitting at a large oak desk.
NB. Elderly businessman very smartly dressed in discreet pinstripe. Very distinguished.
There are several CAKES (Tarte au citron) scattered across the desk, some still in patisserie boxes. The elderly businessman is sitting upright. Swooping pan to his face reveals that he is weeping.
Pan to one of the CAKES.
Cakexterminator representative [O/S]
On your own, or in a group; at work or at home - the misery is real. We at Cakexterminator understand. We're there for you. And we can help you through this.
CUT TO: Cakexterminator offices. Cakexterminator workers busy everywhere; pan to some eating savoury foodstuffs (eg. cheese sandwiches, caviar on blinis, lamb hot-pot) as they work. Cakexterminator representative looks up from her desk to address camera.
NB. Cakexterminator representative young slim attractive female: speaks in soft Scottish accent.
The nausea. The cravings. The lack of control. With seventy-years in the business, the Cakexterminator team have the knowledge and expertise to provide the methods of cake removal and destruction that you deserve.
CUT TO: The Cakexterminator team in action in the elderly businessman's office. He continues to weep, but now he weeps tears of joy.
CUT TO: The Cakexterminator team in action in the punk kids' car. The punk kids stand at the side of the road, eating smoked salmon canapˇs offered to them by the Cakexterminator team.
We provide quality services which include assistance with post-traumatic stress...
CUT TO: The Cakexterminator team leaving the young woman's de-CAKEd kitchen. Cakexterminator representative 2 smiles at the young woman and offers her chicken-and-chips in a basket, which she, smiling, accepts.
NB. Cakexterminator representative 2 is young, buff and attractive: could possibly resemble a fireman or Brad Pitt.
...and excellent after-service care.
CUT TO: Bedroom of the young woman, where she and Cakexterminator 2 lie, clearly post-coital. The chicken and chips are scattered liberally around the bed.
Pan to Cakexterminator 2's underwear, which has fallen to reveal the Cakexterminator logo. Close up.
Cakexterminator. We're there because we care.