World-wide-web?

2 November 2000
Jamie's under fire - and not a chicken to be seen...

I've come up with two theories, and I'm not sure which one's scarier. Either they're all ganging up on me, and there's a cocoon out there with my name on it, or a mass uprising is planned and I'm the only one who's twigged. Either way, I'm probably running out of time. I'd better bring you up to speed while I've got the chance.

Have you ever been walking down the street - and I'm talking true urban here, no trees in sight - when you feel yourself breaking through the thread of a spider web? Thing is, the nearest wall is about ten metres to your left, and there's nothing the other end could conceivably have been attached to (apart from several passing cars - I did say conceivably). So you spend a few minutes with this flimsiest of threads waving in front of your eye and catching the light like a crack in your retina, snatching at it from time to time and clearly looking like a lunatic to any passer-by.

So far, so normal. But three times in a couple of days? In two completely different towns? That's when you've got to start to worry. So I did.

It soon became clear that the spiders have been keeping tabs on me; from the webs I've broken, they'll know exactly where I've been. With a bit of basic patterning work, they can probably work out where I'm going. Now I need to know a couple of things: what are they going to do to me when I get there? and is it just me, or do you all have to start to worry?

Seconds first. I think you lot should all be in the clear, at least until they've dealt with me. The logistics for staking out my movements must be enough of a nightmare; multiply that by however many thousands of people are on this planet, and that's a pretty big headache for arachnid intelligence. So the chances are they're either just doing me, or they're doing us in threes at most. Not a problem if we're quick.

So, why me, and what's going to happen? This was pretty baffling at first: I'm nice to spiders, I throw them out the window rather than killing them when they get stuck in the bath, even the big scary ones (I find it impresses the ladies). The obvious answer, then, is that they're not working alone. Far from it.

It should have been the first thing I considered. For a start, all the hard work of keeping track of my movements: spiders are lazy buggers. They just sit in their webs till a meal comes along. This operation smacked of teamwork.

Secondly, when you're in the shit, always think who you last pissed off. That's an easy one for me. It's always the moths and the mossies.

If there's a Most Wanted list out there among the six-legged winged invertebrates, I'm probably quite high on it. If it ever went to court I'd walk, as I can claim self-defence (most of the deceased gnats are coated in my blood as evidence of that) or at least provocation. But bounty hunters are another matter. It's got to the point where I have to make a detailed search of my room before I can even start to disrobe. Sometimes I sleep with the light on.

[There was even a hitman waiting in the villa when I went on holiday. Moth the size of a bat, and I am not kidding. I have photos of it dwarfing a bunch of grapes. But I digress]

So the insects have called in a couple of favours with their more advantageously-limbed colleagues. This is a problem. Mossies you can hear coming (only at the last second, but that's enough time if you're experienced). Moths are annoying, but dopey (turn a light on and watch them turn around. Or light a candle, always a laugh). Spiders are quick, quiet, and smart. If they've learnt teamwork from the bees or the ants, a crack squad could have me cocooned in bed within ten minutes, leaving the mossies free to suck me dry. And any one of us could be next. You're going to have to take action.

Here's the plan. We should be able to convince the spiders to go back to eating the buggers if they think they're on the losing side (like the Italians). We just have to demonstrate the superiority of the powerful individual over the collective (put another way, why Communism is crap). So go out there and kill all the insects you can. Feed them to the spiders if you like; they might appreciate it. Just convince them that big is best. Size matters. Va-va-voom.