12 June 2003
I love trailers, me. Despite (or perhaps because of) their heinously deceitful nature, their ability to drag the unsuspecting punter by the hundreds to multiplex hell, their complete lack of compunction in revealing a major plot twist before you've even decided to go and see a movie: I love them.
And this despite having had my own pudgy fingers burnt in such a fashion on more than one occasion. Most spectacularly, and embarrassingly, when it seemed like a good idea to go and see Spy Hard in Slough. Yes, the Naked Gun trilogy got less funny with each instalment; yes, Leslie Nielsen appeared to be locked in a titanic battle with Eddie Murphy and Steve Martin to see who could produce the most unfunny films in a row; and yes, it meant going to Slough. But I was blinded by my memories of happier times (Airplane, Top Secret!, the first Naked Gun), and by the fact that the trailer actually contained two potential belly laughs. [Needless to say, that was it in terms of laughs for the whole film. Though I compensated by telling a friend that it was hilariously unmissable, and he took a girl to see it as a first date. Funnily enough, things didn't work out.]
So rather than present you with a single clown, I thought I'd give you a small selection of teasers from these, coming to a theatre near you. Sadly, the management accepts no responsibility for changes to the below schedule, or the content of the clowns concerned. Just like the trailer for Internal Affairs (spent the whole film waiting for Richard Gere and Andy Garcia to go flying through a window together, and did it happen? Did it hell).
Speedos for Paedos
A documentary of vast scope, emotional breadth, and skimpy trunks. Jamie explores the inverse relationship between tightness of undergarment and sexual normalcy, even daring to investigate the for-and-against of going commando. For those of you who don't know (or don't want to), Jamie is a proud advocate of the roomy, airy boxer. Not that you'd be able to tell from his leanings, or from his aroma.
It's Iranian men - Hallelujah!
The heartwarming story of a beauty contest for a post-'liberation' Iran (trust me, give it about six months). After years of brutal suppression, closet doors are flung asunder and leather pants donned as the first Love Parade hits the streets of Tehran. Immediate highlights to note include the uplifting soundtrack (think Village People meets Tarkan), breathtaking dance sequences, and Art Malik camping it up. Unmissable.
Love is blind - and so is Derek. Unfortunately his curmudgeonly next-door neighbour (think Walter Matthau in 'Dennis') cares little for either love or Derek, even taking delight in playing evil pranks on his less-able corridor buddy. The audience will laugh at these, but feel ever-so-slightly guilty for doing so. Unfortunately, the trailer hints (without much subtlety) at an eventual conversion, which may lead to hugging and even tears. Note the scriptwriters' collective (they number at least seven) smugness at the name they have given the character, and their inability to decide on a single genre or demographic. Expect it to be marketed as 'funny and touching', yet simultaneously aimed at the Dumb & Dumber crowd. Good Lord.
Last Night a DJ Shaved My Wife
The gender-bending comedy of the year! (it says here. After Rob Schneider's 'The Hot Chick', of course) Mishaps, misunderstandings and misdemeanours aplenty as a lonely single parent asks his best friend to pretend to be his ex-wife for the most tenuous of reasons (something to do with his son's bride's parents not believing in divorce, to be honest anything will do and we'll have the exposition out of the way in five minutes so we can move straight to the laughs and the climactic disco scene, okay?). Think of it as a 're-imagining' of La Cage Aux Folles, only without the gayness. We don't want to alienate middle America now, do we?
Jamie And The Block
And just when things were all lightness and cheer, the worthy Oscar contender. A lonely singleton struggles to complete his magnum opus, distracted by thoughts of lost love, regret, and thwarted ambition. But most importantly, his crucial, debilitating laziness and penchant for procrastination. Join Jamie on a journey to discover what really matters to him, as he searches deep in his soul to find questions whose answers he already knows, and ultimately realises that the bulk of his work to date is inspired by poor puns on titles of movies, books and tunes. It isn't all doom and gloom though: he finds derivative success and ends up duetting with Jennifer Lopez on the title track. Come in Affleck, your time is up.
What can I say? It promises to be a summer to remember. Please book your tickets now to ensure disappointment. Personally, I'm waiting for Titanic 31, where Leo gets unfrozen in the future and tries to save Kate Winslet with the help of a small robot and a pumping 80s soundtrack. Hey, you live in hope.