* 200 articles. Two years. Whelk. The best of Upsideclown. Might be reprinted.

Forthcoming Attractions

12 June 2003
Jamie previews the big hits of the summer season

I love trailers, me. Despite (or perhaps because of) their heinously deceitful nature, their ability to drag the unsuspecting punter by the hundreds to multiplex hell, their complete lack of compunction in revealing a major plot twist before you've even decided to go and see a movie: I love them.

And this despite having had my own pudgy fingers burnt in such a fashion on more than one occasion. Most spectacularly, and embarrassingly, when it seemed like a good idea to go and see Spy Hard in Slough. Yes, the Naked Gun trilogy got less funny with each instalment; yes, Leslie Nielsen appeared to be locked in a titanic battle with Eddie Murphy and Steve Martin to see who could produce the most unfunny films in a row; and yes, it meant going to Slough. But I was blinded by my memories of happier times (Airplane, Top Secret!, the first Naked Gun), and by the fact that the trailer actually contained two potential belly laughs. [Needless to say, that was it in terms of laughs for the whole film. Though I compensated by telling a friend that it was hilariously unmissable, and he took a girl to see it as a first date. Funnily enough, things didn't work out.]

So rather than present you with a single clown, I thought I'd give you a small selection of teasers from these, coming to a theatre near you. Sadly, the management accepts no responsibility for changes to the below schedule, or the content of the clowns concerned. Just like the trailer for Internal Affairs (spent the whole film waiting for Richard Gere and Andy Garcia to go flying through a window together, and did it happen? Did it hell).

Speedos for Paedos

A documentary of vast scope, emotional breadth, and skimpy trunks. Jamie explores the inverse relationship between tightness of undergarment and sexual normalcy, even daring to investigate the for-and-against of going commando. For those of you who don't know (or don't want to), Jamie is a proud advocate of the roomy, airy boxer. Not that you'd be able to tell from his leanings, or from his aroma.

It's Iranian men - Hallelujah!

The heartwarming story of a beauty contest for a post-'liberation' Iran (trust me, give it about six months). After years of brutal suppression, closet doors are flung asunder and leather pants donned as the first Love Parade hits the streets of Tehran. Immediate highlights to note include the uplifting soundtrack (think Village People meets Tarkan), breathtaking dance sequences, and Art Malik camping it up. Unmissable.

Mr Compassion

Love is blind - and so is Derek. Unfortunately his curmudgeonly next-door neighbour (think Walter Matthau in 'Dennis') cares little for either love or Derek, even taking delight in playing evil pranks on his less-able corridor buddy. The audience will laugh at these, but feel ever-so-slightly guilty for doing so. Unfortunately, the trailer hints (without much subtlety) at an eventual conversion, which may lead to hugging and even tears. Note the scriptwriters' collective (they number at least seven) smugness at the name they have given the character, and their inability to decide on a single genre or demographic. Expect it to be marketed as 'funny and touching', yet simultaneously aimed at the Dumb & Dumber crowd. Good Lord.

Last Night a DJ Shaved My Wife

The gender-bending comedy of the year! (it says here. After Rob Schneider's 'The Hot Chick', of course) Mishaps, misunderstandings and misdemeanours aplenty as a lonely single parent asks his best friend to pretend to be his ex-wife for the most tenuous of reasons (something to do with his son's bride's parents not believing in divorce, to be honest anything will do and we'll have the exposition out of the way in five minutes so we can move straight to the laughs and the climactic disco scene, okay?). Think of it as a 're-imagining' of La Cage Aux Folles, only without the gayness. We don't want to alienate middle America now, do we?

Jamie And The Block

And just when things were all lightness and cheer, the worthy Oscar contender. A lonely singleton struggles to complete his magnum opus, distracted by thoughts of lost love, regret, and thwarted ambition. But most importantly, his crucial, debilitating laziness and penchant for procrastination. Join Jamie on a journey to discover what really matters to him, as he searches deep in his soul to find questions whose answers he already knows, and ultimately realises that the bulk of his work to date is inspired by poor puns on titles of movies, books and tunes. It isn't all doom and gloom though: he finds derivative success and ends up duetting with Jennifer Lopez on the title track. Come in Affleck, your time is up.

What can I say? It promises to be a summer to remember. Please book your tickets now to ensure disappointment. Personally, I'm waiting for Titanic 31, where Leo gets unfrozen in the future and tries to save Kate Winslet with the help of a small robot and a pumping 80s soundtrack. Hey, you live in hope.


This is the fucking archive

Current clown:

18 December 2003. George writes: This List

Most recent ten:

15 December 2003. Jamie writes: Seven Songs
11 December 2003. Dan writes: Spinning Jenny
8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
4 December 2003. Matt writes: The Mirrored Spheres of Patagonia
1 December 2003. George writes: Charm
27 November 2003. James writes: On Boxing
24 November 2003. Jamie writes: El Matador del Amor; Or, the Man who Killed Love
20 November 2003. Dan writes: Rights Management
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
13 November 2003. Matt writes: Disintermediation
(And alas we lost Neil, who last wrote Cockfosters)

Also by this clown:

15 December 2003. Jamie writes: Seven Songs
24 November 2003. Jamie writes: El Matador del Amor; Or, the Man who Killed Love
13 October 2003. Jamie writes: The Persistence of Memory
22 September 2003. Jamie writes: The Email Eunuch
1 September 2003. Jamie writes: Credo
11 August 2003. Jamie writes: Brad and Jennifer and Me
21 July 2003. Jamie writes: Interruption
30 June 2003. Jamie writes: Do you remember the first time?
12 June 2003. Jamie writes: Forthcoming Attractions
19 May 2003. Jamie writes: Stupid Mistake
28 April 2003. Jamie writes: Hoping and Praying
7 April 2003. Jamie writes: Strangers on a Plane
17 March 2003. Jamie writes: Q&A
24 February 2003. Jamie writes: Altered States
3 February 2003. Jamie writes: How to say goodbye
13 January 2003. Jamie writes: In A League Of Their Own
23 December 2002. Jamie writes: What's in a name?
2 December 2002. Jamie writes: Lies, Damned Lies and Spastics
11 November 2002. Jamie writes: Memoirs of a Gaysian: A Preface
21 October 2002. Jamie writes: Love is blindness
30 September 2002. Jamie writes: Time for bed
9 September 2002. Jamie writes: Angry Exchanges Can Be Puzzling [10]
19 August 2002. Jamie writes: High Speed
29 July 2002. Jamie writes: Firkin Hell
8 July 2002. Jamie writes: Do you, er... haiku?
13 June 2002. Jamie writes: Unnatural Porn Thrillers
20 May 2002. Jamie writes: The Triumphant Return of the Septic Fiveskins
25 April 2002. Jamie writes: Meeting People is Easy
4 April 2002. Jamie writes: I Want I Want I Want
7 March 2002. Jamie writes: The Player of Games
11 February 2002. Jamie writes: Fat Man Walking
17 January 2002. Jamie writes: Passive/Aggressive
3 January 2002. Jamie writes: Love (classified)
29 November 2001. Jamie writes: A Lil' Nite Muzak
5 November 2001. Jamie writes: Natural born liar
11 October 2001. Jamie writes: All I need
17 September 2001. Jamie writes: Postcards From The Edge (of the pool)
23 August 2001. Jamie writes: Class act
30 July 2001. Jamie writes: Ritchie Neville is dead
5 July 2001. Jamie writes: A Letter from God
11 June 2001. Jamie writes: "If it's in French, it must be deep"
17 May 2001. Jamie writes: Reportage
23 April 2001. Jamie writes: Show me the Logos
29 March 2001. Jamie writes: Sobering Thoughts
8 March 2001. Jamie writes: Stupid, Stupid, Stupid
8 February 2001. Jamie writes: Spent
15 January 2001. Jamie writes: Full to the brim
21 December 2000. Jamie writes: fuck xmas
27 November 2000. Jamie writes: Eye Candy
2 November 2000. Jamie writes: World-wide-web?
9 October 2000. Jamie writes: Kids' stuff
14 September 2000. Jamie writes: Scatological Warfare
21 August 2000. Jamie writes: I can't stand up (for falling clowns)
10 July 2000. Jamie writes: The Etymology of Greatness

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We are all Upsideclown: Dan, George, James, Jamie, Matt, Neil, Victor.

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