* 200 articles. Two years. Whelk. The best of Upsideclown. Might be reprinted.


17 March 2003
Jamie's been rehearsing

Question: So, Jamie, what do you do for a living?

[Genuine Answer: I am a parasite. I am variously hated, feared, and viewed with suspicion by the majority of people I speak to during the day. Almost all of which is conducted purely over the telephone. I don't get out much.]

Textbook Answer: I'm an IT recruitment consultant.

Q: Recruitment? So you're a people person then?

[GA: People? Don't make me laugh. People are commodities to me. A candidate's lucky if his CV's worth the paper it's printed on. Not that many of them get printed. I have a 'special folder' for all over 40's, foreigners, graduates and females (pregnancy potential - no one likes them). I'll be lovely to you if I think I'm going to make some cash out of you, mind.]

TA: Not 100% - it's primarily a sales job. Although it is made better by the fact that you're working with people to further their career, to build teams; that's where the satisfaction comes in, the feeling that you are finding people - whether clients or candidates - what they want.

Q: Sales? How come? What do you sell?

[GA: My soul. Every hour of every day, for a pittance and little or no thanks.]

TA: It's primarily our service. What we offer is an added value to a client's recruitment process, and that's what we have to convey in our conversations with them - we bring a network of contacts, a certain level of market knowledge and a lot of man-hours that the client just wouldn't be prepared - or able - to put in themselves.

Q: So you work hard then?

[GA: Depends. I work long hours. But when I've been out the night before and come in slightly pissed and ever-so slightly caned, I can while away the hours on email and the web with the best of them.]

TA: Of course! With this job, the more you put in the more you get out, and that means results which also means money. But there's a real work hard play hard mentality, so we have a pretty good time while we're at it!

Q: And you're in Amsterdam, which helps...

[GA: Of course. Do you think I'd still be in the job if I wasn't here?]

TA: Well, what I applied for first was the opportunity to join a company that was going places. Then they offer me the chance to set up a whole new company in a foreign country. Which country is pretty irrelevant - it's a great career move first and foremost.

Q: So, any regrets?

[GA: Funnily enough, no. Of course I would have loved my dream job (whatever that might have been), but the fact is I got given an opportunity when there wasn't a hell of a lot else about, I have essentially started up my own company and made a success of it, and it's keeping me out here. And if it wasn't for this job, would I have spent yesterday afternoon walking around a park in brilliant sunshine wearing Prada shoes and Prada sunglasses, ever so marginally hung over from a night in a club ten minutes' walk from my house, surrounded by tall, beautiful blondes who thought my attempts to speak their language were endearing? And would I be going back to a flat on a canal, with a fat widescreen TV and DVD player, and floors installed by the same guy that did Lenny Kravitz's apartment? I don't think I could honestly answer that with a yes.]

TA: No regrets. Although I sometimes miss my friends in London, but they can come over here and to be honest London's such a big place you never see each other as you mean to anyway. All in all, I'm pretty happy.

[100% GA: I lied about the tall beautiful blondes.]


This is the fucking archive

Current clown:

18 December 2003. George writes: This List

Most recent ten:

15 December 2003. Jamie writes: Seven Songs
11 December 2003. Dan writes: Spinning Jenny
8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
4 December 2003. Matt writes: The Mirrored Spheres of Patagonia
1 December 2003. George writes: Charm
27 November 2003. James writes: On Boxing
24 November 2003. Jamie writes: El Matador del Amor; Or, the Man who Killed Love
20 November 2003. Dan writes: Rights Management
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
13 November 2003. Matt writes: Disintermediation
(And alas we lost Neil, who last wrote Cockfosters)

Also by this clown:

15 December 2003. Jamie writes: Seven Songs
24 November 2003. Jamie writes: El Matador del Amor; Or, the Man who Killed Love
13 October 2003. Jamie writes: The Persistence of Memory
22 September 2003. Jamie writes: The Email Eunuch
1 September 2003. Jamie writes: Credo
11 August 2003. Jamie writes: Brad and Jennifer and Me
21 July 2003. Jamie writes: Interruption
30 June 2003. Jamie writes: Do you remember the first time?
12 June 2003. Jamie writes: Forthcoming Attractions
19 May 2003. Jamie writes: Stupid Mistake
28 April 2003. Jamie writes: Hoping and Praying
7 April 2003. Jamie writes: Strangers on a Plane
17 March 2003. Jamie writes: Q&A
24 February 2003. Jamie writes: Altered States
3 February 2003. Jamie writes: How to say goodbye
13 January 2003. Jamie writes: In A League Of Their Own
23 December 2002. Jamie writes: What's in a name?
2 December 2002. Jamie writes: Lies, Damned Lies and Spastics
11 November 2002. Jamie writes: Memoirs of a Gaysian: A Preface
21 October 2002. Jamie writes: Love is blindness
30 September 2002. Jamie writes: Time for bed
9 September 2002. Jamie writes: Angry Exchanges Can Be Puzzling [10]
19 August 2002. Jamie writes: High Speed
29 July 2002. Jamie writes: Firkin Hell
8 July 2002. Jamie writes: Do you, er... haiku?
13 June 2002. Jamie writes: Unnatural Porn Thrillers
20 May 2002. Jamie writes: The Triumphant Return of the Septic Fiveskins
25 April 2002. Jamie writes: Meeting People is Easy
4 April 2002. Jamie writes: I Want I Want I Want
7 March 2002. Jamie writes: The Player of Games
11 February 2002. Jamie writes: Fat Man Walking
17 January 2002. Jamie writes: Passive/Aggressive
3 January 2002. Jamie writes: Love (classified)
29 November 2001. Jamie writes: A Lil' Nite Muzak
5 November 2001. Jamie writes: Natural born liar
11 October 2001. Jamie writes: All I need
17 September 2001. Jamie writes: Postcards From The Edge (of the pool)
23 August 2001. Jamie writes: Class act
30 July 2001. Jamie writes: Ritchie Neville is dead
5 July 2001. Jamie writes: A Letter from God
11 June 2001. Jamie writes: "If it's in French, it must be deep"
17 May 2001. Jamie writes: Reportage
23 April 2001. Jamie writes: Show me the Logos
29 March 2001. Jamie writes: Sobering Thoughts
8 March 2001. Jamie writes: Stupid, Stupid, Stupid
8 February 2001. Jamie writes: Spent
15 January 2001. Jamie writes: Full to the brim
21 December 2000. Jamie writes: fuck xmas
27 November 2000. Jamie writes: Eye Candy
2 November 2000. Jamie writes: World-wide-web?
9 October 2000. Jamie writes: Kids' stuff
14 September 2000. Jamie writes: Scatological Warfare
21 August 2000. Jamie writes: I can't stand up (for falling clowns)
10 July 2000. Jamie writes: The Etymology of Greatness

Let meeeeeee entertain you

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