* 200 articles. Two years. Whelk. The best of Upsideclown. Might be reprinted.

Love (classified)

3 January 2002
Jamie's advertising love for free (so don't you place your ad with him)

FOR SALE: One heart, deep red, medium sized, hardly used, vgc. Several careful owners, all female. Still under 1,000,000,000 beats on the clock. Hoping to go to a good home! Will accept proposals of unconditional love o.n.o. No agencies.

God, if only it were that easy. I'm all for treating love like any other commodity, finding a partner just like finding a house or finding a job. Why bother over-complicating things? You've got demands, you've got something to offer (hopefully), it'd be a whole lot simpler if you could just be honest about everything and come to some sort of agreement. Trade off things like commitment and monogamy against guaranteed oral sex and the lingering possibility of a threesome, or accept an offer in a more menial position for short-term gratification. We do it anyway, we might as well just kill some of the crap that blocks up the process.

ARE YOU looking for a new role in the relationship sector? Our client, a rapidly-expanding professional with a background in retail, is urgently looking for an experienced, full-time partner with good knowledge of intimacy and a proven track record of commitment. No job-hoppers. Fluency in English is essential; knowledge of French and willingness to travel an advantage. The successful candidate will be required to work nights.

Of course, we'd soon start taking the mickey and getting our CVs polished by a new wave of recruitment agencies, specialised in getting you through that tricky first interview and dedicated to making sure you have an offer on the table within a week. We'd carefully bend the truth about our previous experience like we do already, fill in some of the gaps on the CV ('between March 1997 and August 1998 I took on a variety of part-time positions in order to gain experience of different company cultures and business areas'). And of course, our respective roles in various projects and their success or failure could be talked up or down as much as we need. We'd be told the things we should avoid saying in interview, the right questions to ask, we'd get help when it came to final negotiations. Just don't ask how the commission works.

And then, of course, the whole thing snowballs. Some people with excellent skills but a lack of commitment promote themselves as freelancers, taking on short-term contracts with massive rewards but little in the way of security, while others stay in the same dull employ for years on end in the vague hope that their loyalty will earn them a better deal. And no matter what other offers you put in front of them, their misguided faithfulness always stops them from grabbing a great career move with open arms.

Here's how your applications should look:

PERSONAL STATEMENT: Jamie is a committed, hardworking lover with a genuine dedication to the job in hand. He is looking to leave his current position due to the lack of future prospects with the employer, and is keen to find a new job with possibilities to move into the role of partner or husband. Jamie feels his skills and experience (over 6 years in the industry) would be of benefit to any potential employer.

The only problem is going to be getting references. Personal ones are fine - mates attesting to how well you treat 'yo beatches' - but the professional reference is always going to be a little sticky. You've got a choice between trying to get a written reference before the end of your employ (could raise suspicion) or postponing the matter till the relationship's over - by which time the raves about your manual labour skills and superb culinary ability have been replaced by a complete hatred of all you stand for. Not speaking from personal experience, you understand - just what I've been told.

And of course, it's only a short, very simple step from this to full-blown, large-scale prostitution. Not the piddly street-corner soliciting that you get these days, but the kind where you can't get anywhere without being attached to a pimp of your own and playing the system.

Of course, there will always be a few people who keep the flag of independence flying, refusing all offers of help in the hope that fate or serendipity (the theory of happy chance, rather than Mark Gottlieb's sister in Neighbours) will help them make a connection; they'll be almost evangelically smug in their sense of freedom from the corporate system. But don't worry about them - you'll be getting a lot more sex...

I've seen the future, and I'm spent.


This is the fucking archive

Current clown:

18 December 2003. George writes: This List

Most recent ten:

15 December 2003. Jamie writes: Seven Songs
11 December 2003. Dan writes: Spinning Jenny
8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
4 December 2003. Matt writes: The Mirrored Spheres of Patagonia
1 December 2003. George writes: Charm
27 November 2003. James writes: On Boxing
24 November 2003. Jamie writes: El Matador del Amor; Or, the Man who Killed Love
20 November 2003. Dan writes: Rights Management
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
13 November 2003. Matt writes: Disintermediation
(And alas we lost Neil, who last wrote Cockfosters)

Also by this clown:

15 December 2003. Jamie writes: Seven Songs
24 November 2003. Jamie writes: El Matador del Amor; Or, the Man who Killed Love
13 October 2003. Jamie writes: The Persistence of Memory
22 September 2003. Jamie writes: The Email Eunuch
1 September 2003. Jamie writes: Credo
11 August 2003. Jamie writes: Brad and Jennifer and Me
21 July 2003. Jamie writes: Interruption
30 June 2003. Jamie writes: Do you remember the first time?
12 June 2003. Jamie writes: Forthcoming Attractions
19 May 2003. Jamie writes: Stupid Mistake
28 April 2003. Jamie writes: Hoping and Praying
7 April 2003. Jamie writes: Strangers on a Plane
17 March 2003. Jamie writes: Q&A
24 February 2003. Jamie writes: Altered States
3 February 2003. Jamie writes: How to say goodbye
13 January 2003. Jamie writes: In A League Of Their Own
23 December 2002. Jamie writes: What's in a name?
2 December 2002. Jamie writes: Lies, Damned Lies and Spastics
11 November 2002. Jamie writes: Memoirs of a Gaysian: A Preface
21 October 2002. Jamie writes: Love is blindness
30 September 2002. Jamie writes: Time for bed
9 September 2002. Jamie writes: Angry Exchanges Can Be Puzzling [10]
19 August 2002. Jamie writes: High Speed
29 July 2002. Jamie writes: Firkin Hell
8 July 2002. Jamie writes: Do you, er... haiku?
13 June 2002. Jamie writes: Unnatural Porn Thrillers
20 May 2002. Jamie writes: The Triumphant Return of the Septic Fiveskins
25 April 2002. Jamie writes: Meeting People is Easy
4 April 2002. Jamie writes: I Want I Want I Want
7 March 2002. Jamie writes: The Player of Games
11 February 2002. Jamie writes: Fat Man Walking
17 January 2002. Jamie writes: Passive/Aggressive
3 January 2002. Jamie writes: Love (classified)
29 November 2001. Jamie writes: A Lil' Nite Muzak
5 November 2001. Jamie writes: Natural born liar
11 October 2001. Jamie writes: All I need
17 September 2001. Jamie writes: Postcards From The Edge (of the pool)
23 August 2001. Jamie writes: Class act
30 July 2001. Jamie writes: Ritchie Neville is dead
5 July 2001. Jamie writes: A Letter from God
11 June 2001. Jamie writes: "If it's in French, it must be deep"
17 May 2001. Jamie writes: Reportage
23 April 2001. Jamie writes: Show me the Logos
29 March 2001. Jamie writes: Sobering Thoughts
8 March 2001. Jamie writes: Stupid, Stupid, Stupid
8 February 2001. Jamie writes: Spent
15 January 2001. Jamie writes: Full to the brim
21 December 2000. Jamie writes: fuck xmas
27 November 2000. Jamie writes: Eye Candy
2 November 2000. Jamie writes: World-wide-web?
9 October 2000. Jamie writes: Kids' stuff
14 September 2000. Jamie writes: Scatological Warfare
21 August 2000. Jamie writes: I can't stand up (for falling clowns)
10 July 2000. Jamie writes: The Etymology of Greatness

Let meeeeeee entertain you

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