Lies, Damned Lies and Spastics
2 December 2002
Hi readers, An overflowing postbag this week! Thanks so much for your letters of encouragement as we enter the dark, depressing winter period: it's never easy keeping the Clownish end up over these times, but your cheery missives certainly help! We've also had a number of sightings of missing Clown Neil, whose Richie Manic-style disappearing act had us all bemused and concerned in equal measure (apart from Dan, who leapt up and down singing 'ding dong the witch is dead - they'll never find the body'); in fact, the whole thing's given us an idea for a new competition. Send us photos of Neil lookalikes (or they might be the real thing - who can tell?) in bizarre locations or funny poses - the best three win a prize!!! On a more serious note (not too serious of course - we're too crazeeee!!!) some of you have been writing (and occasionally phoning, which is impressive) with reaction to some of the articles we've put forward over the last two years. Now, a few of you are a little confused (not to mention disturbed), so just several points that should be brought to light. First off, in reaction to our inconsolable friend in Finland: Ritchie Neville isn't dead. Just his career. Our scribe was merely highlighting the dangers of unchained pub tables on London rooftops, and was concerned enough to use shock tactics to push people into action. Any distress to Mr Neville's family or fans (not mutually exclusive) was unintentional and regretted, and was equalled anyway by the disgrace that was Abs' solo single. We've also had concerned correspondents in France baffled over the identity of our mystery poet. Various erudite professors have phoned in their suggestions as to which of the greats might be responsible, with Baudelaire and Rimbaud leading the field. And the patented author identification machine so beloved by critics trying to isolate the passages of Troilus and Cressida written by Shakespeare (as opposed to those written by Bacon or other foppish lords) identified the man responsible as none other than A. A. Milne - which is about as close as you're going to get. But nothing could quite match the vitriol displayed by one of our readers offended by the details of my sordid sexual activities. The phrases 'sexist pig', 'dirty old man', 'doesn't know his own luck' all cut to the quick, but nothing quite so hurtfully as the suggestion that 'if it is a joke, it's not very funny'. Come on. Admittedly, it's not the best Clown in the world (it didn't make it into Whelk, after all), but some of it brought a smile to my face. And I wrote it. Look, you muppets (not you, the really dumb ones). You're the type that whinge at Eminem for driving a preggers Dido off a cliff. Don't take everything so seriously. Victor isn't obsessed with special needs kids. Matt isn't obsessed with technology. James isn't obsessed with words. George isn't obsessed with porn and piercings. Dan isn't... well, actually he is. But that's not the point. On the other hand, if any of you have seen Neil, do drop us a line. Things are getting tight over here.
Current clown: 18 December 2003. George writes: This List Most recent ten: 15 December 2003. Jamie writes: Seven Songs Also by this clown: 15 December 2003. Jamie writes: Seven Songs We are all Upsideclown: Dan, George, James, Jamie, Matt, Neil, Victor. Material is (c) respective authors. For everything else, there's it@upsideclown.com. And weeeeeee can entertain you by email too. Get fresh steaming Upsideclown in your inbox Mondays and Thursdays, and you'll never need to visit this website again. To subscribe, send the word subscribe in the body of your mail to upsideclown-request@historicalfact.com. (To unsubscribe, send the word unsubscribe instead.)
|