* 200 articles. Two years. Whelk. The best of Upsideclown. Might be reprinted.

Lies, Damned Lies and Spastics

2 December 2002
Jamie wants to put the record straight

Hi readers,

An overflowing postbag this week! Thanks so much for your letters of encouragement as we enter the dark, depressing winter period: it's never easy keeping the Clownish end up over these times, but your cheery missives certainly help! We've also had a number of sightings of missing Clown Neil, whose Richie Manic-style disappearing act had us all bemused and concerned in equal measure (apart from Dan, who leapt up and down singing 'ding dong the witch is dead - they'll never find the body'); in fact, the whole thing's given us an idea for a new competition. Send us photos of Neil lookalikes (or they might be the real thing - who can tell?) in bizarre locations or funny poses - the best three win a prize!!!

On a more serious note (not too serious of course - we're too crazeeee!!!) some of you have been writing (and occasionally phoning, which is impressive) with reaction to some of the articles we've put forward over the last two years. Now, a few of you are a little confused (not to mention disturbed), so just several points that should be brought to light.

First off, in reaction to our inconsolable friend in Finland: Ritchie Neville isn't dead. Just his career. Our scribe was merely highlighting the dangers of unchained pub tables on London rooftops, and was concerned enough to use shock tactics to push people into action. Any distress to Mr Neville's family or fans (not mutually exclusive) was unintentional and regretted, and was equalled anyway by the disgrace that was Abs' solo single.

We've also had concerned correspondents in France baffled over the identity of our mystery poet. Various erudite professors have phoned in their suggestions as to which of the greats might be responsible, with Baudelaire and Rimbaud leading the field. And the patented author identification machine so beloved by critics trying to isolate the passages of Troilus and Cressida written by Shakespeare (as opposed to those written by Bacon or other foppish lords) identified the man responsible as none other than A. A. Milne - which is about as close as you're going to get.

But nothing could quite match the vitriol displayed by one of our readers offended by the details of my sordid sexual activities. The phrases 'sexist pig', 'dirty old man', 'doesn't know his own luck' all cut to the quick, but nothing quite so hurtfully as the suggestion that 'if it is a joke, it's not very funny'. Come on. Admittedly, it's not the best Clown in the world (it didn't make it into Whelk, after all), but some of it brought a smile to my face. And I wrote it.

Look, you muppets (not you, the really dumb ones). You're the type that whinge at Eminem for driving a preggers Dido off a cliff. Don't take everything so seriously. Victor isn't obsessed with special needs kids. Matt isn't obsessed with technology. James isn't obsessed with words. George isn't obsessed with porn and piercings. Dan isn't... well, actually he is. But that's not the point.

On the other hand, if any of you have seen Neil, do drop us a line. Things are getting tight over here.


This is the fucking archive

Current clown:

18 December 2003. George writes: This List

Most recent ten:

15 December 2003. Jamie writes: Seven Songs
11 December 2003. Dan writes: Spinning Jenny
8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
4 December 2003. Matt writes: The Mirrored Spheres of Patagonia
1 December 2003. George writes: Charm
27 November 2003. James writes: On Boxing
24 November 2003. Jamie writes: El Matador del Amor; Or, the Man who Killed Love
20 November 2003. Dan writes: Rights Management
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
13 November 2003. Matt writes: Disintermediation
(And alas we lost Neil, who last wrote Cockfosters)

Also by this clown:

15 December 2003. Jamie writes: Seven Songs
24 November 2003. Jamie writes: El Matador del Amor; Or, the Man who Killed Love
13 October 2003. Jamie writes: The Persistence of Memory
22 September 2003. Jamie writes: The Email Eunuch
1 September 2003. Jamie writes: Credo
11 August 2003. Jamie writes: Brad and Jennifer and Me
21 July 2003. Jamie writes: Interruption
30 June 2003. Jamie writes: Do you remember the first time?
12 June 2003. Jamie writes: Forthcoming Attractions
19 May 2003. Jamie writes: Stupid Mistake
28 April 2003. Jamie writes: Hoping and Praying
7 April 2003. Jamie writes: Strangers on a Plane
17 March 2003. Jamie writes: Q&A
24 February 2003. Jamie writes: Altered States
3 February 2003. Jamie writes: How to say goodbye
13 January 2003. Jamie writes: In A League Of Their Own
23 December 2002. Jamie writes: What's in a name?
2 December 2002. Jamie writes: Lies, Damned Lies and Spastics
11 November 2002. Jamie writes: Memoirs of a Gaysian: A Preface
21 October 2002. Jamie writes: Love is blindness
30 September 2002. Jamie writes: Time for bed
9 September 2002. Jamie writes: Angry Exchanges Can Be Puzzling [10]
19 August 2002. Jamie writes: High Speed
29 July 2002. Jamie writes: Firkin Hell
8 July 2002. Jamie writes: Do you, er... haiku?
13 June 2002. Jamie writes: Unnatural Porn Thrillers
20 May 2002. Jamie writes: The Triumphant Return of the Septic Fiveskins
25 April 2002. Jamie writes: Meeting People is Easy
4 April 2002. Jamie writes: I Want I Want I Want
7 March 2002. Jamie writes: The Player of Games
11 February 2002. Jamie writes: Fat Man Walking
17 January 2002. Jamie writes: Passive/Aggressive
3 January 2002. Jamie writes: Love (classified)
29 November 2001. Jamie writes: A Lil' Nite Muzak
5 November 2001. Jamie writes: Natural born liar
11 October 2001. Jamie writes: All I need
17 September 2001. Jamie writes: Postcards From The Edge (of the pool)
23 August 2001. Jamie writes: Class act
30 July 2001. Jamie writes: Ritchie Neville is dead
5 July 2001. Jamie writes: A Letter from God
11 June 2001. Jamie writes: "If it's in French, it must be deep"
17 May 2001. Jamie writes: Reportage
23 April 2001. Jamie writes: Show me the Logos
29 March 2001. Jamie writes: Sobering Thoughts
8 March 2001. Jamie writes: Stupid, Stupid, Stupid
8 February 2001. Jamie writes: Spent
15 January 2001. Jamie writes: Full to the brim
21 December 2000. Jamie writes: fuck xmas
27 November 2000. Jamie writes: Eye Candy
2 November 2000. Jamie writes: World-wide-web?
9 October 2000. Jamie writes: Kids' stuff
14 September 2000. Jamie writes: Scatological Warfare
21 August 2000. Jamie writes: I can't stand up (for falling clowns)
10 July 2000. Jamie writes: The Etymology of Greatness

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