* 200 articles. Two years. Whelk. The best of Upsideclown. Might be reprinted.

The Knight Of Spring Fervent

14 November 2002
James should get the Turner Prize.

Old Winter pass'd

Spring broke its fast

The swollen streams a-pouring

Through verdant mead

Infused with seed

Demeter gaz'd round adoring

Across field and row

To cockerel's crow

The new-born fawn did gambol

Into the scene

This Knight Supreme

Set forth upon his ramble

Defence of maides

And brigands laid

Of arms, this was his mission

His story told

Through mists of old

Laid down without omission

And this good Sir

Thro' oak and fir

Did wearily spur his steed

O'er dale and glen

And fern and fen

Fair, Aiding those in need


But not far gone

Hearing cries alone

And weeping lamentation

A widow fair

In deep despair

Of husband lost at station

His feet hit land

He grasp'd her hand

Tears welling in his eyes

"To ease thy suff'ring

my all I'm off'ring

To beauty scarr'd by sighs"

Her arms thrown wide

"Pray come inside

Every fire requires a stoker

Two thousand groans

And warm ahones

Are stuff'd within thy poker"

And this good Sir

Thro' oak and fir

Did wearily spur his steed

O'er dale and glen

And fern and fen

Fair, Aiding those in need


At fountain bright

He did alight

To quench his mighty thirst

When across the glade

A scream was made

Troth, he fear'd the worst

But gone was his dread

He spy'd instead

Budding youth turned into flower

Two maidens bold

One bronze, one gold

Bathing bare under the shower

They call'd his name

"Sir, join our game"

Tho' t'was against his will

With one heav'n sent

And t'other hell bent

From him they took their fill

And this good Sir

Thro' oak and fir

Did wearily spur his steed

O'er dale and glen

And fern and fen

Fair, Aiding those in need


The morn was gone

He came upon

A mob of brigands vicious

In barn of grass

They'd trapped a lass

With clear intent malicious

They plan'd to drench

This country wench

And tore her clothes asunder

In ran our knight

Declar'd his might

His lance prepar'd for plunder

Our damsel sav'd

From men deprav'd

Her honour safe for now

She asked, "How may

I my debt repay?"

Our Knight did show her how

And this good Sir

Thro' oak and fir

Did wearily spur his steed

O'er dale and glen

And fern and fen

Fair, Aiding those in need.


The day drew close

He sought repose

And rode on to find an inn

An old grey gent

All grizzl'd and bent

Allowed him a room within

In the midnight hour

Host cracks Knight's door

"Sir, my wife she has a sweet whim.

She's gone and flit!"

But when lamp was lit

This was the sight to greet him

His wife was lain

With garters twain

Our Knight poised above her

"I cast thee out

And have no doubt

The devil take thee and thy lover"

And this good Sir

Thro' oak and fir

Did wearily spur his steed

O'er dale and glen

And fern and fen

Fair, Aiding those in need


This is the fucking archive

Current clown:

18 December 2003. George writes: This List

Most recent ten:

15 December 2003. Jamie writes: Seven Songs
11 December 2003. Dan writes: Spinning Jenny
8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
4 December 2003. Matt writes: The Mirrored Spheres of Patagonia
1 December 2003. George writes: Charm
27 November 2003. James writes: On Boxing
24 November 2003. Jamie writes: El Matador del Amor; Or, the Man who Killed Love
20 November 2003. Dan writes: Rights Management
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
13 November 2003. Matt writes: Disintermediation
(And alas we lost Neil, who last wrote Cockfosters)

Also by this clown:

27 November 2003. James writes: On Boxing
16 October 2003. James writes: Jakesy's School of Urban Driving
24 September 2003. James writes: Chapter One
4 September 2003. James writes: The Silicon Soul
14 August 2003. James writes: A Room With 100 Seats
24 July 2003. James writes: English For Beginners
3 July 2003. James writes: Coldplay are crap. Discuss.
9 June 2003. James writes: It Takes All Sorts
22 May 2003. James writes: Lesson 2: Buying his Gran for a tenner
1 May 2003. James writes: Rosencrantz and Leytonstone
10 April 2003. James writes: Character Building
20 March 2003. James writes: So This Is It. What Are We Going To Do About It?
27 February 2003. James writes: Street Level Zero
6 February 2003. James writes: Reference: James Noteworthy
16 January 2003. James writes: Kissing George Clooney for just £99!
26 December 2002. James writes: Hongkong In Four Tableaux
5 December 2002. James writes: We Are Your Idea
14 November 2002. James writes: The Knight Of Spring Fervent
24 October 2002. James writes: Go On, Be Honest
7 October 2002. James writes: Cold Comfort
12 September 2002. James writes: Peas In A Pod
22 August 2002. James writes: Seed Investment
1 August 2002. James writes: We Are QPR
11 July 2002. James writes: The Road to Ossuna
20 June 2002. James writes: Pret A Teleporter
27 May 2002. James writes: A Play On Words
2 May 2002. James writes: Labour Saving Device
8 April 2002. James writes: Beggaring Belief
14 March 2002. James writes: Small Things
18 February 2002. James writes: Drop Dead Letters
24 January 2002. James writes: High-Rise Rhapsody
27 December 2001. James writes: My drift's too hip to resist.
6 December 2001. James writes: My Lord Has No Nose
12 November 2001. James writes: A Job For Life
18 October 2001. James writes: Which is the cleverest animal?
24 September 2001. James writes: Interview With An Automatum
30 August 2001. James writes: Each To Their Own
6 August 2001. James writes: An Escape, In Sonata Form
12 July 2001. James writes: Truckloads Of Goodies
18 June 2001. James writes: There's No Such Thing As A Coincidence
24 May 2001. James writes: It's All True - The Paper Says So
30 April 2001. James writes: A Letter From Prisyn
16 April 2001. James writes: I Quit
15 March 2001. James writes: An Essay In Procrastination
15 February 2001. James writes: Confessions Of An English Sand-Eater
22 January 2001. James writes: The Future And The Pasta
28 December 2000. James writes: Never drink with men in red
4 December 2000. James writes: The Underground
9 November 2000. James writes: Right answer. Wrong answer
16 October 2000. James writes: The March of Proudfoot: Part I
21 September 2000. James writes: You haven't got a chance
28 August 2000. James writes: Bad, man. Wicked
24 July 2000. James writes: I play games with street lamps

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