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19 February 2001
George will return more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

Welcome! This is the nomination form for the 2001 Leamington Spa Entertainment Awards. This is when you get the god-given chance to choose your favourite entertainment events from attractive Leamington Spa over the past 12 months. The bands that made you laugh; the films that made you cry; the art exhibitions that loosened your bladder control - if they happened in Leamington in the last year, they'll be here now. Please feel free to add comments about your choice.

After completing your form, please return it to Felicity Holder, Leamington Courier, 32 Hamilton Terrace, Leamington Spa, Warwickshire. Completed forms received before 5th March 2001 will be entered into a prize draw to win a bottle of Veuve Cliquot champagne.

Best Live Band
Under the Influence Grass Style
Shimmy Season of Joy

Especially at the Hogs Head in November. This was the second time that she threw her pint over me, but I knew that it was out of affection. We'd been moving closer to the front to try and get a better look. I offered to hoist her up onto my shoulders, and reached for her thighs to lift her up when she turned round and slapped me cheekily. Then the pint. Such a wildcat!

Best Film
Gladiator Erin Brockovich
The Perfect Storm Cast Away

Where we "officially" met (neither of us have told our friends about that evening in the Pump Rooms!). I was waiting in the queue for popcorn when we caught each other's eye. And that was it really.

Best Book (From Leamington Spa Waterstones' bestsellers)
"Mr Commitment" Mike Gayle "The Brethren" John Grisham
"Marrying the Mistress" Joanna Trollop "JavaScript" David Flanagan

None really. I'm not a great reader, only leaflets and that, maybe a magazine or two. Helen reads, but I don't think that any of this lot would appeal, so I can't answer for her. The times that I've seen her with a book, it's generally been something off a GCSE reading list; dead English women in flowing gowns and heaving bosoms. I've tried buying her books that I thought she'd like, but she burnt them all.

Best Pub
The White Horse The Star and Garter
Winstons Robbin's Well

Although Winstons isn't a pub really - too many cocktails sold and not enough football played on the TVs. Wouldn't even normally nominate it, but Helen saw me there for the first time when I was out with a crowd. She and her mates went to the loo when they saw me. Must have thought I was a bouncer and were pooling their fake ID or something as they all scarpered really quick after that. She remembered me though.

If I could vote against one of these, it'd be the Horse. Not that it's not a good pub, but they served me the restraining order there. In front of my mates and all. Though it's the nearest pub to Helen's school, so they all go there at lunch. Got into the habit of going there too, just to try and see her after she got funny with me.

Best Wine Bar
Bar 44 The Ocean Glasnost
A tie; drinks in Bar 44 are better than the Ocean, but Bar 44's full of shirtlifters. Make your choice, I guess. Plus Helen's brother works in Bar 44 so you can guess about him. Not that he likes me but why should I care what a little pouf thinks?

Best Nightclub
Rio's Club Mirage
Options Sugar

Best DJs; loads of girls. Crap door policy for them actually; Helen said that girls who didn't look old enough could get in by pleasuring the bouncers But after they'd done that, they'd look like crap and no-one would want to pull them by then anyway. Losing both ways. Of course my girl never did anything like that. I'd know.

Thank-you for your time! The mayor will announce the winners on the 31st of March, and all prize-winning local establishments will receive a "Certificate of Recommendation" from the local council. Remember - every vote counts, and keep beautiful Leamington Spa beautiful!


Previously on upsideclown


Current clown:

18 December 2003. George writes: This List

Most recent ten:

15 December 2003. Jamie writes: Seven Songs
11 December 2003. Dan writes: Spinning Jenny
8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
4 December 2003. Matt writes: The Mirrored Spheres of Patagonia
1 December 2003. George writes: Charm
27 November 2003. James writes: On Boxing
24 November 2003. Jamie writes: El Matador del Amor; Or, the Man who Killed Love
20 November 2003. Dan writes: Rights Management
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
13 November 2003. Matt writes: Disintermediation
(And alas we lost Neil, who last wrote Cockfosters)

Also by this clown:

1 December 2003. George writes: Charm
10 November 2003. George writes: Dead beat
20 October 2003. George writes: Shortening
29 September 2003. George writes: Manhattanites are Cleavage-Starved
11 September 2003. George writes: How to Bring Us in Line With the Future
18 August 2003. George writes: Slashtastic
28 July 2003. George writes: Underground Independent Small Press Comic Fight Club
7 July 2003. George writes: Careering
16 June 2003. George writes: Choose your own adventure
26 May 2003. George writes: Revelations
8 May 2003. George writes: Picture Perfect
14 April 2003. George writes: MetaPirate
24 March 2003. George writes: Preparation X
3 March 2003. George writes: F of x
13 February 2003. George writes: Three is the magic number
23 January 2003. George writes: Recorded Delivery
30 December 2002. George writes: Meat Bingo or Death
12 December 2002. George writes: Royal Inquisitor
21 November 2002. George writes: This Clown is Cancelled
28 October 2002. George writes: Shopping with God
3 October 2002. George writes: SaferSpoony
16 September 2002. George writes: Supercalanthropomorphicexpealidocious
26 August 2002. George writes: The deformed animal menagerie
5 August 2002. George writes: Plaice that Funky Music, Whitebait
15 July 2002. George writes: Safe as Houses
24 June 2002. George writes: Two Lions (DB/DS)
30 May 2002. George writes: Series 8
9 May 2002. George writes: Market Stall
11 April 2002. George writes: I, the Enlargened, Crunchy Product
18 March 2002. George writes: Cakexterminator
21 February 2002. George writes: Fiction Suit
28 January 2002. George writes: Spunk Gunk
31 December 2001. George writes: Fairytale of New Pork
10 December 2001. George writes: Circular
15 November 2001. George writes: A Man With No Ass Is No Man At All
22 October 2001. George writes: One Night in Heaven
27 September 2001. George writes: Uncut
3 September 2001. George writes: Porn Pants
9 August 2001. George writes: Names of the Roses
19 July 2001. George writes: No Fun Here
21 June 2001. George writes: All Your Elections are Belong to Us
28 May 2001. George writes: Pierced as Fuck
3 May 2001. George writes: My Lovely Horse
9 April 2001. George writes: Eight Hundred and Forty-Three
12 March 2001. George writes: Kill 'Em All
19 February 2001. George writes: Formal
25 January 2001. George writes: Sticks and stones
11 January 2001. George writes: A Thought on Morality
11 December 2000. George writes: You can't put that into a soufflé
13 November 2000. George writes: Lyrical Genius
19 October 2000. George writes: Wet wet wet wet wet
25 September 2000. George writes: Built on an Indian burial ground
31 August 2000. George writes: This Way
31 July 2000. George writes: Runt of the Litter

Let meeeeee entertain you


We are all Upsideclown: Dan, George, James, Jamie, Matt, Neil, Victor.

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