* 200 articles. Two years. Whelk. The best of Upsideclown. Might be reprinted.


20 October 2003
George makes life choices

We planned it on the bed, his hand in my hair.

"It doesn't have to be at the same time" he said. "It would be better if it wasn't or it might look like some gay Romeo and Juliet love pact".

"They didn't mean to both die together" I said, but I knew what he meant, "but it'll be shit if you go first and I have to wait it out. What about at the same time, but in different places? You can do it in your flat and I'll do it in... in the Maldives."

J bit my ear. "Bitch. You can do it in Camberwell and I'll do it in the sunshine."

He made tea and I could hear him rustling through the cupboard under the sink for garibaldi biscuits. The computer hummed through the Goldfrapp playing down low, and I was feeling better already. The taste and texture of sand in my mouth had gone and my headache was dissipating too. I felt more awake than I had in weeks and when J came back in, I realised that I was hungry again.

We didn't speak as J sipped his tea and I dispensed of several garabaldis by sucking them. I was thinking and planning what came next in the new condensed time. I could start up and run a small business and then burn it to the ground. I could tell my brother exactly what I thought of his behaviour towards his estranged daughter and her mother. I could buy that suit. I could buy several suits.

The line J's forehead showed that he was as deep in thought as I was. I licked his eyebrow to break his concentration.

"I don't know whether to max out my credit cards" he mumbled into my neck. "I mean, I want shit-hot quality of life, but I don't want to be in court for the last months. And eating; should I eat a lot? I mean, fuck the diet for the next three years obviously, but I don't want to be the fattest corpse in the Maldives. And fat people sweat more in hot weather, so I'd be the fattest, sweatiest corpse that the Maldivian coroners would ever see."

"Camberwell coroner" I corrected him, "and the trick will be to go through savings before cards. And we can work through our pensions. We could even spend some on liposuction so that you won't have to compromise on the lobsters and suckling pig."

There was telling my boss to fuck off, finishing the short stories, tracking down Henry Judder from school to let him know what a crush I'd had on him, not having to worry about J leaving and spending my pensionable days alone and gin-soaked. There were Broadway shows in New York, art galleries in Paris and beaches in Thailand. There was going quietly with no raging against the dying of the light; I would be bathed in light for the next 3 years.

J brushed the biscuit crumbs off the duvet. "I could get tattoos and a Prince Albert".

I was feeling so much better already.


This is the fucking archive

Current clown:

18 December 2003. George writes: This List

Most recent ten:

15 December 2003. Jamie writes: Seven Songs
11 December 2003. Dan writes: Spinning Jenny
8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
4 December 2003. Matt writes: The Mirrored Spheres of Patagonia
1 December 2003. George writes: Charm
27 November 2003. James writes: On Boxing
24 November 2003. Jamie writes: El Matador del Amor; Or, the Man who Killed Love
20 November 2003. Dan writes: Rights Management
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
13 November 2003. Matt writes: Disintermediation
(And alas we lost Neil, who last wrote Cockfosters)

Also by this clown:

1 December 2003. George writes: Charm
10 November 2003. George writes: Dead beat
20 October 2003. George writes: Shortening
29 September 2003. George writes: Manhattanites are Cleavage-Starved
11 September 2003. George writes: How to Bring Us in Line With the Future
18 August 2003. George writes: Slashtastic
28 July 2003. George writes: Underground Independent Small Press Comic Fight Club
7 July 2003. George writes: Careering
16 June 2003. George writes: Choose your own adventure
26 May 2003. George writes: Revelations
8 May 2003. George writes: Picture Perfect
14 April 2003. George writes: MetaPirate
24 March 2003. George writes: Preparation X
3 March 2003. George writes: F of x
13 February 2003. George writes: Three is the magic number
23 January 2003. George writes: Recorded Delivery
30 December 2002. George writes: Meat Bingo or Death
12 December 2002. George writes: Royal Inquisitor
21 November 2002. George writes: This Clown is Cancelled
28 October 2002. George writes: Shopping with God
3 October 2002. George writes: SaferSpoony
16 September 2002. George writes: Supercalanthropomorphicexpealidocious
26 August 2002. George writes: The deformed animal menagerie
5 August 2002. George writes: Plaice that Funky Music, Whitebait
15 July 2002. George writes: Safe as Houses
24 June 2002. George writes: Two Lions (DB/DS)
30 May 2002. George writes: Series 8
9 May 2002. George writes: Market Stall
11 April 2002. George writes: I, the Enlargened, Crunchy Product
18 March 2002. George writes: Cakexterminator
21 February 2002. George writes: Fiction Suit
28 January 2002. George writes: Spunk Gunk
31 December 2001. George writes: Fairytale of New Pork
10 December 2001. George writes: Circular
15 November 2001. George writes: A Man With No Ass Is No Man At All
22 October 2001. George writes: One Night in Heaven
27 September 2001. George writes: Uncut
3 September 2001. George writes: Porn Pants
9 August 2001. George writes: Names of the Roses
19 July 2001. George writes: No Fun Here
21 June 2001. George writes: All Your Elections are Belong to Us
28 May 2001. George writes: Pierced as Fuck
3 May 2001. George writes: My Lovely Horse
9 April 2001. George writes: Eight Hundred and Forty-Three
12 March 2001. George writes: Kill 'Em All
19 February 2001. George writes: Formal
25 January 2001. George writes: Sticks and stones
11 January 2001. George writes: A Thought on Morality
11 December 2000. George writes: You can't put that into a soufflé
13 November 2000. George writes: Lyrical Genius
19 October 2000. George writes: Wet wet wet wet wet
25 September 2000. George writes: Built on an Indian burial ground
31 August 2000. George writes: This Way
31 July 2000. George writes: Runt of the Litter

Let meeeeeee entertain you

We are all Upsideclown: Dan, George, James, Jamie, Matt, Neil, Victor.

Material is (c) respective authors. For everything else, there's

Never come here again

And weeeeeee can entertain you by email too. Get fresh steaming Upsideclown in your inbox Mondays and Thursdays, and you'll never need to visit this website again. To subscribe, send the word subscribe in the body of your mail to (To unsubscribe, send the word unsubscribe instead.)


... On this page: ... Archive ... About ... Subscribe ... ... Upsideclone