* 200 articles. Two years. Whelk. The best of Upsideclown. Might be reprinted.

Porn Pants

3 September 2001
Fully Qualified Nail Beautician Dr Georgina Answers All Of Your Questions

Porn Pants. So. Tell me more.

Porn Pants! The answer to all of your lingerie dreams! They're the neon, black and white sparkly wisps of knickers (and they have matching padded bras, but they're only half the fun) that Linda Lovelace would be proud of. The little pieces of nylon bright pink static that could masquerade as dental floss if you don't look twice. Modelled in many classic titles such as "Stripper Nurses", "Cheerleaders Locker Room III" and "Lady Chatterly's Five Lovers", they're tiny and they're fabulous.

How will I recognize them at 50 paces?

Let's start with the colours. There haven't been yellows this violent or greens this glowing since your good doctor here was a toddler in the early Eighties. Marks and Sparks they ain't. Dr Georgina's orange lace porn pants have given off readings on a Geiger Counter. If they have sequins they can also double as mirror balls.

Then there are the fabrics. Nylon lace. Nylon fishnet. Nylon nylon. If it ain't flammable it ain't porn. Be careful who you excite in these babies - the fires of passion may get more literal than you imagine.

And finally, the cut. Right up between the butt-cheeks. Porn pants are very much like Tara Palmer-Tompkinson: entirely decorative and utterly lacking in physical purpose. And very much up their own arse.

Wherein lies the fabulosity?

These are the knickers that your mother warned you about. The ones that only the sluttish girls wore with their white leather skirts hiked up around their waist, with the porn pants draped around their white leather pixie boots. Time have changed (those pixie boots are seen in all the best Hoxton bars now) but attitudes haven't. And there lies the thrill. The utter badness, naughtiness and sluttishness of these beauties make them more forbidden than hedgehog abuse. The maternal displeasure is also entertaining - when Dr Georgina's mother found her daughter's first pair (a very demure navy blue) she was most disapproving. And, dagnammit, they're fun! They're foolish! They spit on sensible big pants that keep your arse warm in winter and dance round their handbag. They'd probably drink blue cocktails with sparklers in if they could.

Wearing them under very proper clothes is also a thrill. Dr Georgina took her interview for Nail College in a severely tailored black FCUK suit and a tiny sparkling red pair of porn pants. She passed with flying colours.

Should I wear them for my girl/boyfriend?

If you want to.

But won't they think that I'm a tart?

They might. Or a stripper. Or a fully-qualified nail beautician: reactions vary. But whatever they think is up to them. Really, you should be wearing porn pants for you. Because you like blue leopardskin undies, or because you find purple sequins comforting; maybe pink camouflage material remind your of your schooldays. But whatever your reasons, your loverman/lass should still recognise that, under the pants is the foxy chick that they love. If they can't see beyond the pants, pack them.

Word to the wise: If your partner starts demanding that you wear porn pants all the time, don't feel that you have too. Porn pants are like olives - you may find it takes some time before you grow to like them. Only wear porn pants if you're comfortable with them.

Ace! Where can I get some?

The usual suspects: Topshop, Miss Selfridge and Ann Summers. And (ahem) the specialist adult bookshops. Probably; Dr Georgina wouldn't know anything about them.

Cool. Can I get a matching manicure?

Come and see Dr Georgina afterwards or drop her an email ( Prices depend on the state of your nails and the type of lingerie.


This is the fucking archive

Current clown:

18 December 2003. George writes: This List

Most recent ten:

15 December 2003. Jamie writes: Seven Songs
11 December 2003. Dan writes: Spinning Jenny
8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
4 December 2003. Matt writes: The Mirrored Spheres of Patagonia
1 December 2003. George writes: Charm
27 November 2003. James writes: On Boxing
24 November 2003. Jamie writes: El Matador del Amor; Or, the Man who Killed Love
20 November 2003. Dan writes: Rights Management
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
13 November 2003. Matt writes: Disintermediation
(And alas we lost Neil, who last wrote Cockfosters)

Also by this clown:

1 December 2003. George writes: Charm
10 November 2003. George writes: Dead beat
20 October 2003. George writes: Shortening
29 September 2003. George writes: Manhattanites are Cleavage-Starved
11 September 2003. George writes: How to Bring Us in Line With the Future
18 August 2003. George writes: Slashtastic
28 July 2003. George writes: Underground Independent Small Press Comic Fight Club
7 July 2003. George writes: Careering
16 June 2003. George writes: Choose your own adventure
26 May 2003. George writes: Revelations
8 May 2003. George writes: Picture Perfect
14 April 2003. George writes: MetaPirate
24 March 2003. George writes: Preparation X
3 March 2003. George writes: F of x
13 February 2003. George writes: Three is the magic number
23 January 2003. George writes: Recorded Delivery
30 December 2002. George writes: Meat Bingo or Death
12 December 2002. George writes: Royal Inquisitor
21 November 2002. George writes: This Clown is Cancelled
28 October 2002. George writes: Shopping with God
3 October 2002. George writes: SaferSpoony
16 September 2002. George writes: Supercalanthropomorphicexpealidocious
26 August 2002. George writes: The deformed animal menagerie
5 August 2002. George writes: Plaice that Funky Music, Whitebait
15 July 2002. George writes: Safe as Houses
24 June 2002. George writes: Two Lions (DB/DS)
30 May 2002. George writes: Series 8
9 May 2002. George writes: Market Stall
11 April 2002. George writes: I, the Enlargened, Crunchy Product
18 March 2002. George writes: Cakexterminator
21 February 2002. George writes: Fiction Suit
28 January 2002. George writes: Spunk Gunk
31 December 2001. George writes: Fairytale of New Pork
10 December 2001. George writes: Circular
15 November 2001. George writes: A Man With No Ass Is No Man At All
22 October 2001. George writes: One Night in Heaven
27 September 2001. George writes: Uncut
3 September 2001. George writes: Porn Pants
9 August 2001. George writes: Names of the Roses
19 July 2001. George writes: No Fun Here
21 June 2001. George writes: All Your Elections are Belong to Us
28 May 2001. George writes: Pierced as Fuck
3 May 2001. George writes: My Lovely Horse
9 April 2001. George writes: Eight Hundred and Forty-Three
12 March 2001. George writes: Kill 'Em All
19 February 2001. George writes: Formal
25 January 2001. George writes: Sticks and stones
11 January 2001. George writes: A Thought on Morality
11 December 2000. George writes: You can't put that into a soufflé
13 November 2000. George writes: Lyrical Genius
19 October 2000. George writes: Wet wet wet wet wet
25 September 2000. George writes: Built on an Indian burial ground
31 August 2000. George writes: This Way
31 July 2000. George writes: Runt of the Litter

Let meeeeeee entertain you

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