* 200 articles. Two years. Whelk. The best of Upsideclown. Might be reprinted.

How to Bring Us in Line With the Future

11 September 2003
George gives us a brief primer

Firstly: Black text on green screens. Remember this? The original, old-school way of reading, programming and making nice with your little box of technology. Currently usurped by either white on black (to indicate the nearness to the technology involved) or black on white (to fox the viewer into a mindset of reading printed paper). We need reminding, to be shown the proximity of the amazing digital wonder that we interface with, not bludgeoned into thinking that the screen and the chips and the coding are the flat, boxy equivalent of the newspaper. The green/black combo is also apparantly the best for reading text, and not some of-the-future innovation of chlorophyll and electricity. Incidentally, did you know that the changing colours of mobile phone lights - green then blue then orange then white - has bugger all to do with the newer shinier techy stuff inside them and more to do with the changing prices of the LEDs lighting them. Oh yes.

Next - casings for said techy wonders should be white. Whoever predicted that come the millennium we would all be covered in shiny white outer casings was halfway there. People are too scared of spilling tomato soup over their trousers to cope with white fabrics, but you can wipe a computer! (Although the tomato soup may not help the poor baby's wirey insides). Black casing smacks of the eighties, of the Terminator's jacket, of MEN who are REAL MEN who wear LEATHER and use BLACK COMPUTERS. Silver is all a bit bored advertising boi stocking up on the shininess. Not to denigrate the shininess but glowing white, shiny white has all of the sping of silver and none of the Barbarella. And, y'know, it could have silver trimmings.

Also, tweed. Yes, tweed. This isn't some Hoxton twatesque argument that old skool is nu school, or that what goes around comes around. Listen - many depictions of the future show shiny-bonced humans prancing around in white and silver and sometimes neon, supping on brightly coloured drinks, listening to either industrial techno or blooping beepy noises. We have established that very few people either of the future or now will be seen dead in said colours, and the brightly coloured drinks began with the advent of alcopops. Moreover, despite rumours of the disposable consumer culture gone mad, tweed is the natural offspring of the craze for all things lycra and nylon. Made of wool, it is organic and biodegradable. It is also bloody sturdy, lasting through bioterrorist attacks, squid wrestling (the popular sport of the future) and global warming. Thus far limited to suits, tweed summer dresses and shorts are truly the way forward.

Finally, squid wrestling. See above.


This is the fucking archive

Current clown:

18 December 2003. George writes: This List

Most recent ten:

15 December 2003. Jamie writes: Seven Songs
11 December 2003. Dan writes: Spinning Jenny
8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
4 December 2003. Matt writes: The Mirrored Spheres of Patagonia
1 December 2003. George writes: Charm
27 November 2003. James writes: On Boxing
24 November 2003. Jamie writes: El Matador del Amor; Or, the Man who Killed Love
20 November 2003. Dan writes: Rights Management
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
13 November 2003. Matt writes: Disintermediation
(And alas we lost Neil, who last wrote Cockfosters)

Also by this clown:

1 December 2003. George writes: Charm
10 November 2003. George writes: Dead beat
20 October 2003. George writes: Shortening
29 September 2003. George writes: Manhattanites are Cleavage-Starved
11 September 2003. George writes: How to Bring Us in Line With the Future
18 August 2003. George writes: Slashtastic
28 July 2003. George writes: Underground Independent Small Press Comic Fight Club
7 July 2003. George writes: Careering
16 June 2003. George writes: Choose your own adventure
26 May 2003. George writes: Revelations
8 May 2003. George writes: Picture Perfect
14 April 2003. George writes: MetaPirate
24 March 2003. George writes: Preparation X
3 March 2003. George writes: F of x
13 February 2003. George writes: Three is the magic number
23 January 2003. George writes: Recorded Delivery
30 December 2002. George writes: Meat Bingo or Death
12 December 2002. George writes: Royal Inquisitor
21 November 2002. George writes: This Clown is Cancelled
28 October 2002. George writes: Shopping with God
3 October 2002. George writes: SaferSpoony
16 September 2002. George writes: Supercalanthropomorphicexpealidocious
26 August 2002. George writes: The deformed animal menagerie
5 August 2002. George writes: Plaice that Funky Music, Whitebait
15 July 2002. George writes: Safe as Houses
24 June 2002. George writes: Two Lions (DB/DS)
30 May 2002. George writes: Series 8
9 May 2002. George writes: Market Stall
11 April 2002. George writes: I, the Enlargened, Crunchy Product
18 March 2002. George writes: Cakexterminator
21 February 2002. George writes: Fiction Suit
28 January 2002. George writes: Spunk Gunk
31 December 2001. George writes: Fairytale of New Pork
10 December 2001. George writes: Circular
15 November 2001. George writes: A Man With No Ass Is No Man At All
22 October 2001. George writes: One Night in Heaven
27 September 2001. George writes: Uncut
3 September 2001. George writes: Porn Pants
9 August 2001. George writes: Names of the Roses
19 July 2001. George writes: No Fun Here
21 June 2001. George writes: All Your Elections are Belong to Us
28 May 2001. George writes: Pierced as Fuck
3 May 2001. George writes: My Lovely Horse
9 April 2001. George writes: Eight Hundred and Forty-Three
12 March 2001. George writes: Kill 'Em All
19 February 2001. George writes: Formal
25 January 2001. George writes: Sticks and stones
11 January 2001. George writes: A Thought on Morality
11 December 2000. George writes: You can't put that into a soufflé
13 November 2000. George writes: Lyrical Genius
19 October 2000. George writes: Wet wet wet wet wet
25 September 2000. George writes: Built on an Indian burial ground
31 August 2000. George writes: This Way
31 July 2000. George writes: Runt of the Litter

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