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Flat-packed furniture

4 January 2001
Victor trains its Schmeizer on the Vatican.

I write the headlines: 'Pope backs Ikea - gala opening planned'. Here comes the logic bit (CON-CENT-RATE).

You may have perfect parents, a perfect marriage. Even so, you've probably seen it, been it. You/they want a new set of shelves, or a guest bed (which, god forbid, will no doubt be a futon - stop trying to convince yourselves that they're comfortable). One of you, whom for the sake of ease we shall call Your Dad, wants to do it on his own. He shuts himself in the spare room and admits defeat half an hour later. Asserting that there must be a component missing he duly dismantles the unfinished article. Then the other party, whom we shall call Your Mum, enters the room with any one of a number of utterances, ranging from the reasonably tactful 'Do you mind if I have a quick look?' to the less tolerant 'Are you out of your fucking mind?'. Three hours and several cups of tea later, the assembled product emerges intact and gleaming, chiefly due to the fact that Your Mum has insisted on reading the instructions. What follows is pure sitcom.

YM: So, aren't you going to say something?

YD: What do you want me to say?

YM: Well, how about 'Well done'?

YD: For Christ's sake, it's only a... (you supply)! What do you want, a fucking medal? Anyway, that leg needs tightening.

YM: That is so like you. You couldn't do it, but you can't possibly admit that I could. You never have been able to handle the fact that I'm more patient than you. Am I the only one who actually gets things done around here? Sometimes I don't think you take our relationship at all seriously.

YD: Oh, Jesus, here we go again...

Ring any bells? Now, extricate yourself from this scene of domestic bloodshed and allow me to cast you in the role of Pope (not John Paul II as he is now - he can't go to the toilet on his own), a sharp-witted pope circa 20 years ago with an eye for spin. He sees the disastrous impact on marriage of flat-packed furniture and - ping! - has an idea: the proliferation of self-assembly items in the predominantly Protestant countries of Europe, especially mainland Britain and Scandinavia, leading to a marked increase in the divorce rate. The Catholic Church could then style itself as the wholesome antidote to Protestant collapse:


Etc. Meanwhile:

YM: What do you mean, 'Here we go again'? Maybe we have the same argument all the chuffing time because you can't get up off your fat arse to sort out your attitude.

YD: My attitude! Sorry, I may be being mind-blowingly dense here, but which one of us appears to be unable to control themselves? Oh, look, it's you!

YM: We're not talking about me now.

YD: Why the hell not? These double standards are just typical of you.

YM: You know what? Maybe we're just not compatible. I'm beginning to think that we never were.

YD: Right that's it (you know the rest, come sing it with me).

- Pardon me for disturbing you, Holiness, but the prisoners are getting restless.

- Excellent. Fetch syringes and a camera.

'Nuff said. Just watch it.


Previously on upsideclown


Current clown:

18 December 2003. George writes: This List

Most recent ten:

15 December 2003. Jamie writes: Seven Songs
11 December 2003. Dan writes: Spinning Jenny
8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
4 December 2003. Matt writes: The Mirrored Spheres of Patagonia
1 December 2003. George writes: Charm
27 November 2003. James writes: On Boxing
24 November 2003. Jamie writes: El Matador del Amor; Or, the Man who Killed Love
20 November 2003. Dan writes: Rights Management
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
13 November 2003. Matt writes: Disintermediation
(And alas we lost Neil, who last wrote Cockfosters)

Also by this clown:

8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
27 October 2003. Victor writes: Our Tune
6 October 2003. Victor writes: Sucking face (in a public place)
15 September 2003. Victor writes: You got any ID?
25 August 2003. Victor writes: Blood on the Boulevard
4 August 2003. Victor writes: In (paren)theses
10 July 2003. Victor writes: Island Fling
19 June 2003. Victor writes: Back (back) and forth (and forth)
2 June 2003. Victor writes: 300 clowns, 13 eight-year olds
12 May 2003. Victor writes: The swings and roundabouts of outrageous fortune
21 April 2003. Victor writes: ...just sitting there quietly contemplating suicide
31 March 2003. Victor writes: Victoria
6 March 2003. Victor writes: Relevant experience
17 February 2003. Victor writes: You will eat chips and go nowhere
27 January 2003. Victor writes: A bushy fish for fishy Mr Bush (after Juvenal)
6 January 2003. Victor writes: The Accidental Voyeur
16 December 2002. Victor writes: Gripper goes bang
25 November 2002. Victor writes: Bediquette
4 November 2002. Victor writes: Where have all the spastics gone?
14 October 2002. Victor writes: An Immodest Proposal
23 September 2002. Victor writes: Fastscan masterplan
2 September 2002. Victor writes: Dry Humping Social Club
12 August 2002. Victor writes: Beat the Mongol
22 July 2002. Victor writes: What life is not
1 July 2002. Victor writes: Stupor heroes
6 June 2002. Victor writes: Dry
13 May 2002. Victor writes: Muppet Suite
18 April 2002. Victor writes: gingermingeninja
25 March 2002. Victor writes: Sodomize with Pukka Pies
28 February 2002. Victor writes: Dave's problem
4 February 2002. Victor writes: King of the Aisles
10 January 2002. Victor writes: Here come the decorator gimps.
17 December 2001. Victor writes: Make war, not supper.
22 November 2001. Victor writes: Cough
29 October 2001. Victor writes:
4 October 2001. Victor writes: Green Gauges
10 September 2001. Victor writes: Blind weed
16 August 2001. Victor writes: Snout!
23 July 2001. Victor writes: You're not going to put this in a clown are you?
28 June 2001. Victor writes: What is a droll?
4 June 2001. Victor writes: Burt Pakamak
10 May 2001. Victor writes: Board to Death
12 April 2001. Victor writes: Tricolon with anaphora?
22 March 2001. Victor writes: Point of View
26 February 2001. Victor writes: Goth's Dinner
1 Feburary 2001. Victor writes: Les Miserables
4 January 2001. Victor writes: Flat-packed furniture
14 December 2000. Victor writes: Deliverance
20 November 2000. Victor writes: Bottomry: Exorcising Ghosts
26 October 2000. Victor writes: Body Art
2 October 2000. Victor writes: Disney must die
7 September 2000. Victor writes: Ice-cream in Offworld
14 August 2000. Victor writes: I like sweets that taste of medicine
26 June 2000. Victor writes: I've seen the future, and it's feathered

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