* 200 articles. Two years. Whelk. The best of Upsideclown. Might be reprinted.

Dry Humping Social Club

2 September 2002
Victor reports from the Home Counties

I joined Brian at his parents' home in Rickmansworth. Over tea and biscuits he described his typical Friday night.

"I like to start getting ready quite early to look nice for the ladies. It's always worth making an effort to get the best pickings." Brian is not unattractive - tall, brunette, imposing - and it occurs to me that he can probably have his way with any Hertfordshire beauty he chooses. He confirms this. "Not that I've ever had any trouble getting girls, know what I mean?"

Brian is a devout Christian. At 28 he is the oldest member of the British arm of Heaven Can Wait, the US organisation which advocates celibacy before marriage. "Even if I didn't have my faith, I would probably still want to wait for Miss Right. My parents have a very special, loving relationship. Something like that doesn't come along every day, and I'm sure it would be worth the wait. Sex will be so much more special if I experience it with one person whom I really and truly love".

Admirable sentiments in these times when young people are encouraged to seek instant gratification for all their desires. "Friday night is the highlight of the week for me. I usually go out for a curry with the lads from work (Brian is a callcentre operative), perhaps a drink in town, then off to St Nic's for 9pm. That's when everything kicks off".

Some kind of prayer meeting or reading group, I ask? "Branch meeting of Heaven Can Wait", Brian replies after a gulp of tea. "Father Peter allows us to explore our feelings of lust without actually committing sin". I had heard about devout Christian couples who, whilst waiting to get married, had nevertheless enjoyed an active sex life: it seems that for many followers only penetrative sex is taboo, rightfully reserved for a relationship in which the production of children is likely and welcomed. In these circumstances many couples opt for oral pleasure, stimulation by aids or frottage - dry humping. But I had never heard this kind of activity external to a long-term relationship, nor of the active involvement of the Church.

Brian registers my discomfort. "It's OK, Father Peter is really cool about it. He even puts down mattresses on the floor of the church hall. Sometimes, in winter he brings blankets, but we usually don't need them. After all, most of us keep our clothes on. And it's all very fair. We draw lots for the girls - in fact, we're not allowed to have the same one two weeks running. Then we walk them home and give them a kiss good night safe in the knowledge that we have not committed a sin in the eyes of the Lord. Sure, it can be a little messy sometimes, but one of the lads came up with the idea of wearing an incontinence pad, and it caught on with the rest of us. I suppose the girls must wear panty liners, but I'm not one hundred percent sure. You'd have to ask them."

Since I met up with Brian he has started seeing a girl whom he met at the group - Kirsten. Naturally Brian and Kirsten want to wait to have penetrative sex until they are married. But they have been expelled from the group because Brian refuses to dry hump other girls. Whilst they can of course frot in the privacy of their own (or their parents') homes, they miss the new friends they have made at the group, and this has already taken a toll on their relationship. They intend to appeal against their expulsion.


This is the fucking archive

Current clown:

18 December 2003. George writes: This List

Most recent ten:

15 December 2003. Jamie writes: Seven Songs
11 December 2003. Dan writes: Spinning Jenny
8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
4 December 2003. Matt writes: The Mirrored Spheres of Patagonia
1 December 2003. George writes: Charm
27 November 2003. James writes: On Boxing
24 November 2003. Jamie writes: El Matador del Amor; Or, the Man who Killed Love
20 November 2003. Dan writes: Rights Management
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
13 November 2003. Matt writes: Disintermediation
(And alas we lost Neil, who last wrote Cockfosters)

Also by this clown:

8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
27 October 2003. Victor writes: Our Tune
6 October 2003. Victor writes: Sucking face (in a public place)
15 September 2003. Victor writes: You got any ID?
25 August 2003. Victor writes: Blood on the Boulevard
4 August 2003. Victor writes: In (paren)theses
10 July 2003. Victor writes: Island Fling
19 June 2003. Victor writes: Back (back) and forth (and forth)
2 June 2003. Victor writes: 300 clowns, 13 eight-year olds
12 May 2003. Victor writes: The swings and roundabouts of outrageous fortune
21 April 2003. Victor writes: ...just sitting there quietly contemplating suicide
31 March 2003. Victor writes: Victoria
6 March 2003. Victor writes: Relevant experience
17 February 2003. Victor writes: You will eat chips and go nowhere
27 January 2003. Victor writes: A bushy fish for fishy Mr Bush (after Juvenal)
6 January 2003. Victor writes: The Accidental Voyeur
16 December 2002. Victor writes: Gripper goes bang
25 November 2002. Victor writes: Bediquette
4 November 2002. Victor writes: Where have all the spastics gone?
14 October 2002. Victor writes: An Immodest Proposal
23 September 2002. Victor writes: Fastscan masterplan
2 September 2002. Victor writes: Dry Humping Social Club
12 August 2002. Victor writes: Beat the Mongol
22 July 2002. Victor writes: What life is not
1 July 2002. Victor writes: Stupor heroes
6 June 2002. Victor writes: Dry
13 May 2002. Victor writes: Muppet Suite
18 April 2002. Victor writes: gingermingeninja
25 March 2002. Victor writes: Sodomize with Pukka Pies
28 February 2002. Victor writes: Dave's problem
4 February 2002. Victor writes: King of the Aisles
10 January 2002. Victor writes: Here come the decorator gimps.
17 December 2001. Victor writes: Make war, not supper.
22 November 2001. Victor writes: Cough
29 October 2001. Victor writes:
4 October 2001. Victor writes: Green Gauges
10 September 2001. Victor writes: Blind weed
16 August 2001. Victor writes: Snout!
23 July 2001. Victor writes: You're not going to put this in a clown are you?
28 June 2001. Victor writes: What is a droll?
4 June 2001. Victor writes: Burt Pakamak
10 May 2001. Victor writes: Board to Death
12 April 2001. Victor writes: Tricolon with anaphora?
22 March 2001. Victor writes: Point of View
26 February 2001. Victor writes: Goth's Dinner
1 Feburary 2001. Victor writes: Les Miserables
4 January 2001. Victor writes: Flat-packed furniture
14 December 2000. Victor writes: Deliverance
20 November 2000. Victor writes: Bottomry: Exorcising Ghosts
26 October 2000. Victor writes: Body Art
2 October 2000. Victor writes: Disney must die
7 September 2000. Victor writes: Ice-cream in Offworld
14 August 2000. Victor writes: I like sweets that taste of medicine
26 June 2000. Victor writes: I've seen the future, and it's feathered

Let meeeeeee entertain you

We are all Upsideclown: Dan, George, James, Jamie, Matt, Neil, Victor.

Material is (c) respective authors. For everything else, there's

Never come here again

And weeeeeee can entertain you by email too. Get fresh steaming Upsideclown in your inbox Mondays and Thursdays, and you'll never need to visit this website again. To subscribe, send the word subscribe in the body of your mail to (To unsubscribe, send the word unsubscribe instead.)


... On this page: ... Archive ... About ... Subscribe ... ... Upsideclone