* 200 articles. Two years. Whelk. The best of Upsideclown. Might be reprinted.

Stupor heroes

1 July 2002
Victor doesn't wear pants, let alone trousers.

Pensive Parrot was in a bit of a quandary. He had always known that it wouldn't be easy convincing the citizens that he should be their first choice of superhero. After all, he was the new kid on the block, and had only stepped in to the brink when Reckless Rat had attempted to put out a burning office block by throwing himself on it. Pensive Parrot's costume was first class: over his lush green feathers and plump torso rippled red tights and leotard and yellow pants emblazoned with a gold intertwined PP logo. He was, he hoped, the very image of the athletic lovebird. He had put up calling cards in all the 'phone booths downtown. But after three and a half weeks he had not had a single call for help.

In response to this sentiment the phone jumped into life: 'Please hurry. My kittens are stuck on the roof. Bastard Bulldog is circling in the garden, and he's hungry! You're my only hope. It's 2307 Gallimore Avenue, Eden Hills'. Parrot was astounded. It was his first call-out! He donned his pantomime boots, picked up his front door keys, and prepared to leave the house. But while he was putting on his gloves, the thought occurred to him that he couldn't remember how to get to Eden Hills, and had never even heard of Gallimore Avenue. He'd have to consult the A to Z.

But then he realised, as he had done before, that the street index page had been ripped out by his playful niece and used as drawing paper. He determined to guess the general area and flick through until he saw the district marked in bold. He didn't see it, so he had to start at the front of the book and work his way through. While he was doing this there was a knock at the door. 'Who is it?', asked Pensive Parrot. 'It's me, Cautious Calf!', mooed the other. 'Come in. The door's open.'

'What you doin', Parrot?'

'I'm looking for an address in Eden Hills. I got my first call-out! You heard of Gallimore Avenue?'

'Aw, Parrot, I'm not sure you wanna go there. There's dogs and stuff. And how you gonna get there? There aren't any buses out there on a Sunday, and a cab would be expensive.'

'I thought I might walk to Central Station and get the subway from there.'

'Are you crazy? The cat gangs on the train would eat you alive - lone bird and all. Besides, the forecast says it's going to rain. You don't wanna catch a cold now, do you?'

Cautious Calf's costume was similar to his friend's, with one exception. In place of the underpant Ps Calf had a large red exclamation mark on his white chest, which appeared to act as a permanent pointer to his anxious expression. In addition he looked - well, somewhat cow-eyed.

'So, what would you suggest?' asked Parrot.

'Maybe you could give her a call back, tell her something's come up and excuse yourself. I think, all things considered, that you'd be better off not doing this one. I mean, why rush into things just 'cos it's your first time? Look, I'll put on some coffee while you have a think about it.'

'OK. Maybe you're right. Checkers?'

Across town, little Kevin Kitten lost his footing on the pitch of the family roof and slowly began to slide down the front. As his furry behind bumped on the edge of each slate he scrabbled in terror to get a hold of the guttering, his last defence from certain death. He missed, and fell straight down into the jaws of Bastard Bulldog. In sight of his mother Kevin's head and bones were crushed beyond recognition.

It was Parrot's move, but he was deep in thought. He was - what's the word?


This is the fucking archive

Current clown:

18 December 2003. George writes: This List

Most recent ten:

15 December 2003. Jamie writes: Seven Songs
11 December 2003. Dan writes: Spinning Jenny
8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
4 December 2003. Matt writes: The Mirrored Spheres of Patagonia
1 December 2003. George writes: Charm
27 November 2003. James writes: On Boxing
24 November 2003. Jamie writes: El Matador del Amor; Or, the Man who Killed Love
20 November 2003. Dan writes: Rights Management
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
13 November 2003. Matt writes: Disintermediation
(And alas we lost Neil, who last wrote Cockfosters)

Also by this clown:

8 December 2003. Victor writes: Rock Opera
17 November 2003. Victor writes: Walking on Yellow
27 October 2003. Victor writes: Our Tune
6 October 2003. Victor writes: Sucking face (in a public place)
15 September 2003. Victor writes: You got any ID?
25 August 2003. Victor writes: Blood on the Boulevard
4 August 2003. Victor writes: In (paren)theses
10 July 2003. Victor writes: Island Fling
19 June 2003. Victor writes: Back (back) and forth (and forth)
2 June 2003. Victor writes: 300 clowns, 13 eight-year olds
12 May 2003. Victor writes: The swings and roundabouts of outrageous fortune
21 April 2003. Victor writes: ...just sitting there quietly contemplating suicide
31 March 2003. Victor writes: Victoria
6 March 2003. Victor writes: Relevant experience
17 February 2003. Victor writes: You will eat chips and go nowhere
27 January 2003. Victor writes: A bushy fish for fishy Mr Bush (after Juvenal)
6 January 2003. Victor writes: The Accidental Voyeur
16 December 2002. Victor writes: Gripper goes bang
25 November 2002. Victor writes: Bediquette
4 November 2002. Victor writes: Where have all the spastics gone?
14 October 2002. Victor writes: An Immodest Proposal
23 September 2002. Victor writes: Fastscan masterplan
2 September 2002. Victor writes: Dry Humping Social Club
12 August 2002. Victor writes: Beat the Mongol
22 July 2002. Victor writes: What life is not
1 July 2002. Victor writes: Stupor heroes
6 June 2002. Victor writes: Dry
13 May 2002. Victor writes: Muppet Suite
18 April 2002. Victor writes: gingermingeninja
25 March 2002. Victor writes: Sodomize with Pukka Pies
28 February 2002. Victor writes: Dave's problem
4 February 2002. Victor writes: King of the Aisles
10 January 2002. Victor writes: Here come the decorator gimps.
17 December 2001. Victor writes: Make war, not supper.
22 November 2001. Victor writes: Cough
29 October 2001. Victor writes:
4 October 2001. Victor writes: Green Gauges
10 September 2001. Victor writes: Blind weed
16 August 2001. Victor writes: Snout!
23 July 2001. Victor writes: You're not going to put this in a clown are you?
28 June 2001. Victor writes: What is a droll?
4 June 2001. Victor writes: Burt Pakamak
10 May 2001. Victor writes: Board to Death
12 April 2001. Victor writes: Tricolon with anaphora?
22 March 2001. Victor writes: Point of View
26 February 2001. Victor writes: Goth's Dinner
1 Feburary 2001. Victor writes: Les Miserables
4 January 2001. Victor writes: Flat-packed furniture
14 December 2000. Victor writes: Deliverance
20 November 2000. Victor writes: Bottomry: Exorcising Ghosts
26 October 2000. Victor writes: Body Art
2 October 2000. Victor writes: Disney must die
7 September 2000. Victor writes: Ice-cream in Offworld
14 August 2000. Victor writes: I like sweets that taste of medicine
26 June 2000. Victor writes: I've seen the future, and it's feathered

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